Wednesday, November 16, 2011

New Site!

Good morning loyal Lunatics-

We've moved over to a new (read: legitimate) website now:

All posts will be over there now, and we'll redirect all traffic from this site to the new one soon.

Until then, check us out at

See you there, Lunatics.

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Quote of the Day

"I am innocent of those charges.  I could say that I have done some of those things.  I have horsed around with kids.  I have showered after workouts.  I have hugged them, and I have touched their legs without intent of sexual contact....I shouldn't have showered with those kids."
                                                             -Jerry Sandusky, former Penn State defensive coordinator

As you may have gleaned to this point, Lunatics, I generally couldn't care less about college football.  Unless it related to the NFL draft, I just don't give a shit.  But despite that, I felt compelled to rip this to shreds as the quote of the day because of the absurd, unabashed stupidity inherent in the statement. 

So here goes: What?  How for fucks sake can you have the following two sentences in that statement: 1) "I am innocent of those charges."  2) "I shouldn't have showered with those kids."  Hey, pedodoucher, isn't showering with a kid that's NOT YOURS pedophilia in and of itself?  What did you get a fucking permission slip from their parents first?  Yea I'm just going to go ahead and say that's probably not what happened. 

The only question left here is what kind of punishment to hand down?  Obviously modern justice is totally inadequate to handle a situation like this, and I feel like just letting Sandusky get raped and killed in prison is kind of a cop-out too.  I really think we need to either get creative with it or go completely old school.  I would be fine with some ancient Asian torture, like putting a mouse on his stomach, an iron pot over it, and starting a fire on top of the pot so that the mouse eats its way out the other side.  Or maybe what Filipino rebels did to captured US soldiers during a war most people don't even know happened- bury Sandusky up to his neck in an ant-hill and let fire ants eat his face.  But those are pretty grisly and I've always believed someone deserves a shot to prove their innocence.  So I think we go in another direction and just put him in situations where, if he survives, he's innocent!  Just spitballing here, but maybe let's have him do the running of the bulls in Spain in a potato sack?  Force him into a dick-slapping contest with Patrick Ewing?  Force him to re-watch that Week 7 Browns-Seachickens matchup?  What do you think, Lunatics?  Come up with something fun and interesting and let's see what we can do.

Until then, I guess we'll just have to settle for "modern justice."  Whatever that means.           

PS- is "I shouldn't have showered with those kids" the single most egregious understatement in human history?  It has to be that, "You're going to need a bigger boat," or Nixon's "I am not a crook" duking it out for the top spot.  And only one of those other statements were even said by real people.   


Monday, November 14, 2011

Quote of the Day

“If you’re going to grab my helmet and threaten my career, I’m going to come after you.  You have to do something.  When you are going after my livelihood, my neck, and you’re trying to hurt me, I just can’t let that go.”
                                                                             -D.J. Moore, Chicago Bears safety

In case you didn't see it, here's a link to the video of Moore trying to spear Matthew Stafford only fail, look like a retard, and then get his ass kicked by several Detroit Lions

My initial reaction here was to call DJ Moore a huge pussy for getting his ass handed to him by a quarterback.  But then I did a little research: Matthew Stafford is 6'2 230lbs.  DJ Moore?  5'10 185lbs.  So you're telling me that a guy with 50lbs and 4 inches of reach had to grab the other dude by his facemask to pull him down?  Stafford, you gigantic untrimmed vagina!  FIFTY POUNDS!  And then you somehow manage to get HIM ejected?  I'd be furious if I wasn't the type of douchebag that appreciates when other people snake their way into great situations.  So nicely done on that count, but he still strikes me as the type of guy that would fuck a person in the ass and not even have the goddamn common courtesy to give them a reach around.  (That link has very NSFW language in it.)

But you're still a big vagine.    

Saturday, November 12, 2011

Week 10 NFL Picks

Good afternoon, Lunatics.  Check out the Football Ranter's week 10 NFL picks, including the Degenerate Gambler Angles.

Fun starts after the jump.

Friday, November 11, 2011

Quote of the Day

"I'm excited, you know.  This is where I should have been like three years ago.  But I think all good things come to somebody that waits."
                                           -Albert Haynesworth, now Tampa Bay Buccaneers defensive tackle

...on the couch with a 5 gallon drum of cherry garcia.  "This is where I should have been three years ago"?  Wow.  OK, Albert.  Just go ahead and shit all over the team that paid you over $40 million to sit on your ass and demolish the buffet at Long John Silver's again and again.  Pretty sure Red Lobster in D.C. had to cancel their "endless shrimp" deal while Fat Albert was a Redskin.  Hey Albert, the ocean called -- they're running out of shrimp.

Let me say this in no uncertain terms: Albert Haynesworth is the lowest form of life that can exist in the NFL.  He's in that deepest circle of NFL hell reserved for Jamarcus Russell and Ryan Leaf.  He's spoiled, entitled, delusional about why he's been let go by three teams now, and if I thought hitting him with a truck would do anything other than lead to me having a truck with big bite marks in it, I'd drive an 18 wheeler into his mountainous gut.  The sooner he retires, the happier I'll be. 

Thursday, November 10, 2011

A Factory of Sadness

Never before has the pain the Cleveland Browns inflict upon their fans been more eloquently and hilariously stated.  This gets the Football Ranters' highest level of recommendation.

Power Rankings: Week 9

Welcome back, loyal Lunatics.  Here is the post-week 9 installment of the Football Ranter's Power Rankings.  Each week we'll rank all 32 teams from top to bottom and give some explanation for the ranking.

Feel free to disagree in the comments section.  Fun starts after the jump.